I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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