The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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