ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
