Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
