I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Randomize
