Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
