My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
