I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
