I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
