You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
