I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
