thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
