This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
