I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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