What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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