he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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