Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
