Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
