Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
