"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
