Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize