I think my vagina is haunted
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
