my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
