I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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