I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
