Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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