i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Randomize
