this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
