I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
