I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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