A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
