the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
