Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
