So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
