Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
