im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Even my vagina gasped.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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