is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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