I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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