Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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