Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
In other news, I just burned my penis
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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