my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
he quoted the bible to break up with me
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Randomize
