I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Randomize