My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
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