This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Randomize
