You were right. It hurts to walk today.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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