I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
