had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize