You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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