Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
