Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
smell my finger.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
