can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
So much rum. So many feels.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize