I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Congratulations! We have a period
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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