I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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