This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
