just survived the first fart of the relationship.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
my shit smells like andre
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Randomize
