I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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