I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
