he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
