I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
